I look back on my life sometimes and just smile. There was such confusion and anger in me I can't recognize the person I was then with who I see in the mirror now. Those little things really got to me and I am sure one of the reasons I have grown to be a person who says "I have no damns to give" with situations that at one point may have ventured me off the ledge and opposite the blessings HE has for me.
My grandparents raised me at one point in my youth they were only "Ma" and "Papa" because they were the only people I knew and naturally as a child its what happens....right? Either way up until about 6/7 years old I was fully in their care - then my Papa passed from cancer in the late 80's. This was a very confusing time in my life because during that time he was deteriorating externally, being 5 years old all I knew was Ma would have to change his diaper and it stank (to be a clueless child again). Well that fall he passed away and I remember only a few things 1) the thrones in the cemetary hurt like crazy; 2) everyone was sad and I was excited just to be in a limo; and 3) all my family were there and some I didn't recognize.
My cousin's being children told me during the wake that my mother was there and I was being teased because I argued that she was my auntie. My grandmother asked me why I was crying and I told her. She gave me an eskimo kiss cause that was our thing and told me to get some cake.
Welp.....a couple of what seemed like only weeks later my grandmother told me that my mother wanted me to live with her....and then began my anger streak and familiarity with 1-95. Interstate I-95 took me to and from my mother and Ma's house for the next couple of years until I was finally settled into being in the big city through the time I moved to the midwest.
Probably one of the reasons I didnt think twice about joining the Army or moving to Illinois.Seems like most of my life I have been searching for stability. Stability was what I searched for in my relationships, each lasting 7 years a piece with boys/men whom now I can say didn't deserve me (whether because I was abused by their hands or because of their selfishness) nor did they deserve my baggage. Nonetheless they were "solid" and I stuck around for that slither of them which I knew would bring them back to me everyday or every other day. Now I sit and reflect on my life and realize that HE put me through these things for this very moment. I sorely appreciate this part of me because it revealed to me what greed, poverty, and the innocence of a child's perception. There is no second guessing these things happened to me for a reason - whether to share or cherish what I have been able to build with HIS help.
As they say " There is no Testimony, without a Test"
*I know this may not make sense to folks who may read this really, but this is my space and these are my thoughts*
1 comment:
:)
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